A bit of forewarning. This is going to differ somewhat from my usual pattern of writing, in that this will probably come out slightly less formal as well as being very spoiler heavy. If you want my opinion on if you should pay money to see this film or not, I think you shouldn’t. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you why without spoiling most everything. If you’re still planning on seeing it, cease reading. You’ve been warned.
Let’s be honest here, the Jurassic Park
films were never good. No, not even the first one. Certainly not any of
the sequels. They have always been about the same thing, stupid people
making stupid decisions. This film isn’t an exception.
Where
to start?! The plot: Following the events of the previous film, the
dinosaurs have basically been abandoned on Isla Nublar. But then there’s
a volcano that’s gonna go off and kill them all. The big dilemma, do we
attempt to save them or not? Now, the smart people in the audience
might ask themselves “Why not just let them die and then clone some
more?”. I’m going to quote word for word the reason the film gives
against this idea “ *This space intentionally left blank* ”.
Yeah,
the issue that literally drives the entire plot forward is actually a
complete non-issue. There is no reason that the events of this film need
to happen, other than box office returns. Granted, the scheme of the
main villains involves saving the dinosaurs on the island, but there is
no reason for our supposed heroes to try and secure them. Like, none
whatsoever.
I
say supposed heroes, I’m not sure I agree that they are. Let me spoil
the ending for you. The dinosaurs are locked in an underground lab with a
deadly gas leak. The villains are all dead. The heroes have a choice,
let them die or set them free. Now, as I’ve pointed out earlier, if the
dinosaurs die they can just clone more. The heroes decide to set the
dinosaurs loose on the United States. Yeah, our heroes decide that the
more heroic thing to do in this situation is to put the lives of
millions of people at risk rather than killing a few animals that you
could more or less immediately clone again.
I
went to see this film for two reasons. Reason the first: I have a soft
spot for anything with giant monsters breakin’ stuff. Reason deux: I
went to see the last one. I hated the last one. I went into the last
film having read rave reviews, I expected a good film. Therefore, I
walked out incredibly disappointed. I walked into the cinema with the
previous experience in mind. I decided about 10-minutes into this mess
to stop bothering to try and take it seriously. And you know what, I had
a blast!
I
had one of the best cinema experiences I’ve had in a long time. The
tween girls chattering behind me might have annoyed me more if I’d been
at all invested. Whenever the film pulled an incredibly obvious plot
twist or tried to be serious and emotional, I was cracking up.
Seriously, I was laughing about twice a minute at the ridiculous crap
this film was shovelling. Don’t mistake this for the film being good.
It’s terrible, it’s one of the worst films I’ve seen in a really long
time. The fact that I enjoyed it had absolutely nothing to do with the
film itself.
Overall:
Terrible. Utter rubbish. I had a great time. Don’t pay money to see
this movie. Seriously, DO NOT support this garbage. I’m not going to
endorse any illegal activity, but I’d recommend it if you could
*somehow* obtain this film for free. Turn off any cognitive function,
and preferably enjoy with some highly intoxicated friends.
Recommended with drunk friends on the strict condition that you do not pay for it.
Oh, and Jeff Goldblum's only in it for
about 30-seconds. There is literally more of him in the trailers then
there is in the film.
[Originally published June 13th, 2018]
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